Hey Happy Wednesday Everyone! Happy Humpday, Happy It is the middle of the weekday! For some of you, it might be the start of your week but regardless, happy Wednesday either way. I hope that you guys have been well. I am doing good. This post is going to be a little different than my normal ones.
Today marks 7 years since my Step Dad, passed away. As I have spoken about in previous posts, this man was a Father to me since I was about 5. He was a great Dad and this was a really hard time. Man, I wish that he could see me now.
How many of you have dealt with a death in your family or with someone close ? I am positive, almost each of you. But for any of you that has not, you are lucky. Death is a very difficult thing to go through and process. It is sad and it is something that hits everyone differently. When my Dad passed away, it was a long couple of weeks in the hospital basically watching him pass once we had to make the decision to take him off life support. I can remember when he would twitch, or move a finger or snore. I told the nurse that it made absolutely no sense that they are telling me he is not there and we needed to take him off life support when obviously he was moving and snoring on his own. She told me that those were called involuntary movements and it is deceiving. Man, was it hard.
So it is so crazy to think about where my life was when this all was happening. I can almost remember exactly how certain conversations in the hospital went and the bad decisions I made when going through all of this. In fact, I regret so many things that I did at that time. I went downhill quick and I am so absolutely thankful that the Lord healed me and brought me out of that dark, dark place. I am a totally different woman. Just thinking about my Dad smiling down from Heaven, proud of me, makes me really happy. The thought of it is something that continues to make me really happy.
Let me tell you about something that was really hard in my healing process. First of all, I never got to tell my Dad goodbye. His death was unexpected. He went in for surgery and never came home. I can remember telling him bye and I would see him when he got up from surgery, but things never went that way. That was the first thing that started my downward path. Next when you are filled with addiction and angry at God and the world because how could “God” take someone like your Father away from you? Things begin to get very dark. No one wanted to be around me. I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to be around me at that time either. But all I could think was why? Why Me, God? Why did he have to die? I felt so sick about myself and my life, I begged the Lord to take me. Isn’t that just sad? To feel so low? Begging God to take me. What a terrible time.
The next thing that I have processed in this time is my regrets and feelings of guilt. I had put my Dad through so much crap and for no reason. I have said things to him that were unacceptable and when I think about it, I get sick to my stomach. What in the world was wrong with me? How could I be so evil and hateful? I just honestly can’t believe it. So, this is why it took so many years to be able to forgive myself and to reconnect with the Lord. This was never about the Lord and the hate that I was feeling was because of myself. I had to own up to what I had done and learn to accept it and grow from it. Which I have and, let me just say, this is not easy but, it is especially worth it. I pray that anyone in my situation will start the process of healing today so that you can be better tomorrow!
My father is in Heaven with the Lord and he gets to see me now, as a fabulous mother and a great daughter, a wonderful sister and a great friend. He would not have wanted me to drown myself in the pain of regrets, and guilt. I had to let go. Now when I talk about my Dad to my daughters, I have so much peace in my heart because I know where My Dad is and I know I will meet him again one day in Heaven.
Until that day though, I am going to continue to better myself.
Every . Single. Day .
Thank you for allowing me to vent about this today. Today is a sad day for me but a day of hope as well.